Adee. That’s all.

I have no other ways I can get this out I have no boyfriends and girlfriends or shit like that I feel so lonely right now I feel sometimes its fair but its not I dunnoe I keep insisting that I can lead this life alone but sometimes it likes a dark hole I keep diggin myself with my own little fingers but you help to make it bigger then I drown myself still very much alone you smile sometimes I feel you’re ok I know you’re not you would really prefer to step back for awhile in case I’m falling for you and I hate doing that because its not only wrong its not fair for you as well many will have to take all these because I appear like a temperamental bitch when I know love isn’t here sometimes it comes knocking on my door but I ignore it for a moment and just cherish your being there I always like it when I write without full stops like this because people won’t understand what I’m trying to say but the close ones would I don’t like that either because it will appear too desperate and I don’t like attention regarding matters of the heart but I really feel like there’s someone I can talk to right now but for the meantime I have get it back inside I’m afraid it will just break off this very thin wall I have inside and then its not nice because I have a really big thing to do and do it the best I can right now nobody I should disappoint for this why do I feel like Im the only one missing you I dont like you know I dont like it very much I need night breeze night breeze usually blow my tudung off but keeps my face really cool I like the feeling of it its not that I’m asking so much out of these but not everybody’s born like this I have to accept the fact that this will go on and on I have to fail at looking at it the very pessimistic way because some small little soul out there will hold my hand one day or whatever shits that comes along with it its all human nature to love and be loved and its all that we have to do actually all this studying and working is just something we all created ourselves and made it an obligation I have been missing on my 5 prayers quite amazingly I dont like it because usually I have no control whatesoever and I tend to forget God for the wonderful wonderful things that he have given me like the nice smelling mum  and the I -do-everything-for-my-children dad and all the others I love to love and bicker with they suck sometimes but they are always there I think I just made irah feel guilty because I smiled then she rolled her eyes withoout any reason I told my mum secretly and she ask if I have eaten I thought she wanted to be nice so I smiled and nodded and I kinda miss talking to my sister she always talk to her boyfriend these days kinda annoying but thats how it goes when you’re falling hard in love I understand because I haven’t got one but I like seeing couples in the train I just saw one lesbian couple the other day it saddens me much but what the heck they love each other but sometimes can be annoying with PDA please go somewhere like the reservoir or got some money book hotel then can drink champagne and can watch tv with many channels I know right its so cool but I prefer someone who would walk with me at a long long road its so nice because as you walk right then got nice car to look and they have very very nice colors at nice dont go neighbourhood areas la that is so annoying I have been missing quite a lot of people these days and I kiss my mum twice just now I feel like I should kiss her everyday other than the usual everyday salam and kiss on the forehead thing we do sometimes I want to have her all by myself and then my dad how btw here’s a funny thing I realize I can’t really talk to my dad he is so awesome when it comes to awkward moments but he wants to crack jokes sometimes at least theres some effort hey Im tired right now I should really stop I feel like shit right now I seriously do but God please let me just have the chance of getting this one right before I have break again and move on to someone else that will appear like the one but at the end of the day I know they are not so forget about love single life flings and crushes are the boomz right now.

i knew you would say all of those things. I was expecting too much. Just to reassure something that dont really matter or exist.

Last time in Science they teach me Matter exist. They bluff.:(

How do our parents love each other so damn much? I see alot of couples breaking down to smallest and pettiest thing on Earth. When my time comes how? Today meet half an hour later bye bye is it? Chee Sin la people today.

Click on picture to enlarge.

See you guys there!:D

after hearing this, you would probably think I’m obsessed. ya, actually i do feel likewise.

i’m gg for Talentime. 7.15pm. 15 oct. inshallah im gg to be there if panjang umur murah rezeki tudung tak terbakar or bad tudung day and everything’s fine at home im gg to be there. inshallah.

talking about bad tudung day. lin thinks it’s funny. WHAT! you guys with your hair can say you’re late for certain meet up session because of bad hair day, I can actually say for both. cos I still have my hair to dry and everything plus the tudung cannot be senget or anything. see how hard it is. but it’s no biggie la. its like wearing sari. just less tediousssssnesssss.

eh. im still not over this ticketing thing. it’s either I go down to woodlands tmr because its the nearest or ask my sister to book online which will be a hassle to her and I dont want that since she might not be coming cos of work and i think she’s sore about it but then again im from school so we’ll see about that. i need lin to be online right now. fiza also. because i think my sister’s not coming(though i really hope she will and can so she can see why im crazy over this woman. ok let’s just cool that down with the word ‘adore’) and they are serious shit on coming. shit i’m just showing how exagerrative I can be is that even a word.

oh and today was awesome. I kinda like the 5 of us having meetings outside. until school reopens that is.

oh lin and fat. i love you guys. a lot more today. with or without ‘cabbage’.

today’s been awesome but i’m kinda tired.

I THINK MY DREAM TONIGHT WILL BE AWESSOMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE. MY MIND WORKS LIKE THAT WHEN I’M EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING. ITS JUST AWWWEEESSSSOMMMMMEEEEEE.

my grandad looks kinda cool in that expression. and nawwar, stop wearing ibu’s foundation. you look like thai tranny.

I never quite understand ‘frank and upright’ friendship until I meet you guys.

Then Lin had to leave for IBP leaving me with this kid. Not near the longkang thank god.

We took an oath to take care of each other during this IBP monsoon period. No matter what. Hopefully so far I have done my part cos she has.

*eh is that a pimple or dimple on my cheek?*

I really hope I didn’t hurt her feelings deep deep the other time. f I was frigging careless.

I promise I won’t hurt you again k Kak Fat I’m so soorry. I’ll kiss your forehead again next time. well technically my hand…but whatever.

SO ANYWAYS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU SITI FATIMAH BTE RAHMAT

You’ll make it in life I’m sure. You’re a great daughter and sister and friend and human being I’m so glad I meet you in this life because seriously I don’t believe in reincarnation so I’m glad we met and I thought we should meet earlier but then it’ll spoil the friendship cos you can ask my friends how different I’ve become as a person all thanks to you no la i’m kidding hey I’m typing like you, without a fullstop so ya, panjang umur murah rezeki and

I love you fat thankyou.

that picture really look like I’m kissing your boobs shiat.

ps: fat i wanted to buy you a present but now I have to invest them all to test shoot I’m gonna cry but once I get my money again be sure to buy you something.

I like her eyebrow. No la actually I like her.  And her eyebrow.

I keep sneezing. And I sneeze hard. Like the nostril hair going to be blown out as well.

i miss a human touch.

her heart shape’s too flat. but hell I love it. wahlaooooo. this is not good.:(. october come fast. please.

you can see orked’s and jason’s hand too. and look at ahmad’s epic face. he’s been doing that alot lately. HAHA.

I don’t know what I’ve been doing. It’s like a spell all over again. holy month please help me. i’m still learning have mercy please. if this goes on I’m gonna suffer again. like the first one. then the 2nd. and the following how many I dunnoe.

I saw a familiar face just now. Her hair keeps getting shorter everytime I see her. why the hell girls cut their hair like that when they’re so pretty. bodoh.

i love to joke about love

see it backfires.

how cool.

i’m so screwed.

but it’s still pun.

i mean fun.

like bun

and gun

and nun

and sun

there’s like 2 bananas on the table as I’m typing this

they’re staring at me.

eh bye la I bullshiting alr.

I need to rant somewhere before heading for a big drama tomorrow. Media Law exam. We all have to face it tomorrow. You see later I’ll just rub on my head and make circles and other shapes with my finger on my tudung. That’s how I calm myself.Seriously I’m not in the mood to look at a list of forms elements contract shit. This is not happening. I am never gg to be a lawyer why the hell do I have to sit for a law paper.

Today was good. The revising was not of course. Met Pam in school to study. Greeted with 3 slaps on my arm. Tried to control myself from maki-ing that son of a gun. Bloody hell Pam if I wasn’t fasting I would have squeezed all the pimples on your face till you cry.k jooke.Then called Siddiq and when he said he was just going to call me. Went down with Fat and we met Diq, Wan and Reuben who got bullied the whole day. Sorry ar Reuben. Bad first impression.haha.

Tomorrow would be exactly a month since she’s gone. For the past 3 days I’ve been thinking alot about her it makes me wonder how her family are coping especially Mr TYL. Thomas Chia from Lighthouse just announced that there’ll be a marathon screening of all her films in October though it’s not confirmed I’m so looking forward to it. I don’t care how busy I will make time for it. Sad thing ‘ Go, Thaddeus’ have yet to be fully confirmed with any plans. But I heard some of her family members will be coming down for the screening I hope her mother does cos I really wanna meet this awesome woman who gave birth to a beyond awesome daughter. I’m freaky that way don’t judge me.

I dunnoe what else to write. So so long. And for the Mat and Minahs, happy fasting don’t smoke and drink. that rhymes. I liking.

You have no idea how much I miss you.

Every day I would visit your blog knowing there won’t be any updates anymore

But I’m stubborn like that

I keep seeing the Wasurenagusa post, your last post

Look at the comments you gave to my questions when I asked you about Rabun

I’m stupid like that

Everytime I’m on the keyboard

I would search for your name both on Youtube and Google hoping for new updates on you

For new videos dedicated for you for people who miss you as much as I do

Tomorrow would be the 25th and it’s been a month

I know one day I would like somebody and their work

But not as much as I hold on to you and yours

It hurts so much knowing I wouldn’t be seeing you anymore

I wouldn’t have the chance to go down to the cinema to watch your films again

To not be able to watch all Orkeds and Jasons and Melors and Kak Yam in the films makes it even shittier

I swear I don’t want to keep harping on the only day that I’ve met you because

It’s more painful for those who had their everydays with you and loved you even more

But it’s still as painful

I’d pray for you everyday cos that’s the only thing I can do for now

Don’t take me as weepy or melodrama queen cos you once were

You would laugh so hard for something not so funny and cry like a baby at the simple things you see

I wonder if all the people who worked with you from Rabun to Talentime would have the strength to work as normally

I would take long months and years if I were them

Cos for sure they won’t be able to get that cheeky smile anymore

This is so sad but I think your husband is strong

I don’t know if he really is but I think he is

I’ve been talking to him on Facebook I hope he won’t find me freaky

If only your mother and father had Facebook I would entertain them and tell them how annoyingly romantic my parents are

Just like them

I hope I can serve my parents as well as you did

I dunnoe what to say anymore this post has been from angry to happy to annoyingly emotional

I’m sure those who are reading will think I’m madly in love with you

Oh I am. I’m sure you knew that from the start.

No la I’m just kidding. No wait, I’m not.

I still have no idea how I can miss you so much

“Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet youre my favourite work of art

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But dont change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day”

- Rogers & Hart, 1937

I’m a Singaporean still. But this is so cool. She make Malaysia look so cool and chummy and cool. I just typed cool twice didn’t I. Whatver. Eh I think Harith (aka Pak Atan) is so cute. And damn that Maya Karin can look like a pontianak any time any where she want I got the shock of my life when she came up in the video. But I like her. And Ida Nerina woots.:) And you can see Jason carrying Orked so cute nak mampos. Ok I should stop right.

Oh hell I miss that smile and laughter.

Other than that, I’m still in love with Makcik Manik Manik and Pak Kentut Kentut. I love how their facial expressions here. Epic. Sometimes we wonder if we can be as loving as our parents. And how disgustingly romantic they can be. F to think I don’t even have a boyfriend  till now. Not sad. Jealous only.

I hope I am ok.

She’s breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking breath-taking.

I think the yellow on her look so perfect. She should be yellow.